beware: sadness ahead..

A fairly good start, peaking at the middle and a somewhat disappointing end..

Not talking about a movie, though it applies to many. With a couple of weeks left, the year we arbitrairy name 2011 will be over. And, Alhamdulillah, there have been some great events, and amazing things have happened. But it‘s end is bothering me.

As I said it‘s somewhat disappointing, I got tired, lost motivation, (positive) energy and worst of all .. Imaan & Taqwa. Both have decreased immensely, and I‘ve become weaker in protecting myself against waswasa‘s and my Nafs‘ cravings. And I hate it. Still I feel stuck, immobilized, unable to get up and act into changing my habits for the better.

But what‘s bothering me most, is the similarity with my life on the whole.. a fairly good start, peaking in the middle, but a possible disappointing end..

That‘s not only bothering me, but it SCARES me! I am really afraid (and that doesn‘t happen often). Because at the end of life, it doesn‘t matter how many great events there have been, or how amazing some moments or periods of life were.. it all comes down to how it ends.

And I‘d rather end at the peak of my Imaan, fully entangeled in my deen, shrouded in Taqwa .. than what I have at the moment..

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Ode to Mosquitoes

Do I really mean mosquitoes?
As in ...bzzzzzztt bzzzzzzttt.. *sting* *ouch*..  ?
And do I really mean ode as in praise?
Not death or curse, or anything else that inflicts them in any way?

Don't get me wrong, all my life there has been this hate-hate relationship between us. And we've had some heavy battles in this war, like the Great Battle of Summer 2007.
It was epic!

I just can't say they're nasty little buggers anymore. I have to let go the hate. And this is why.

Only recently did my son ask me, why there were mosquitoes. I gave him the standard religious reply
'Allah (SWT) created everything with His Wisdom, and we should respect every animal... nature..ecosystem..good muslims..etc etc.'
But the truth was that I could NOT figure out WHY there were mosquitoes.
I couldn't tell my son that I've been wondering that for ages myself, why are there mosquitoes?!?!
I couldn't tell my son what I deeply wished for the mosquitoes .. a kid shouldn't hear that kind of language.

So what changed in these last few weeks, that made me hate them less.
That made me even appreciate them.
That made me thank Allah(SWT) for his Mercy. And perhaps even the gift of mosquitoes.
..Alright.. not gift,.

This is what happened. I was too tired to hear the alarm buzz, while it was time for Fadjr (morning prayer). The mosquitoes in my room came to aid and buzzed instead, along with some itchy stings to make sure I'd wake up.
And like this,.. the Fadjr salah was saved and I understood their purpose.
It's quite beautiful, really. Thank you mosquitoes. To you this ode.

..No need for 8 mosquitoes in the room tho ..

Countdown to Ramadan 1432

R minus 7
House cleaned inside out.
Well, at least most of it.
Ramadan, you are most welcome!

R minus 6
Deactivated social networks.
Want to get my head clear, and not waste time on checking & sharing status updates.
And who knows, after Ramadan I might still keep it deactivated.

R minus 5
There has been a lot of rain past few days. Combined with the warm weather it can only result in one thing:
Mosquito attaque
Also pointing out that I do not have much patience and give in quickly to my impulses.
           ~*must scratch*~
Good thing I can practice again soon.

R minus 4
Considering to start detoxing caffeïne.
Bought a coffee-to-go anyway, and had it spilled on the floor and partly on my shoe.

R minus 3
Last Jumma before Ramadan already!!
Haven‘t cleared my deadlines yet.
Where is my pre-Ramadan-Imaan-Energy-Boost?

R minus 2
Thinking about what food would be best, with thanks to ‘eco muslim‘ (ecojihad.blogspot.com) and making a list.
Setting the personal goals, getting mentally prepared for the challenges. A little anxious about what I‘ll see from my Nafs.

R minus 1
Last minute groceries.
Check, check, double-check.
Have the feeling that I haven‘t fasted for ages!!! Wonder what it feel like and what impacts it shall have: physically, mentally and spiritually..
Preparing some food for Suhur.
Drinking a glass of Ayran (Turkish yoghurtdrink) and a glass of water before going to bed.

Ramadan Mubarak!

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Rights and wrongs

My rights are taken
My freedom is gone

violated
isolated

Being oppressed
What have I done

No choice anymore
Mischievous and unjust

Stop pretending
That you‘re rescuing

I won‘t take off my hijab

Quitting Music

Everyone who knows me, even just slightly, knows that I like music .. A lot. It actually is a part of my identity. There has been a time that I could only define myself with songs. And the songs determined my self-image.

There was also this addiction, this need for music with everything that I did.
Music to wake up to.
Music to have breakfast with.
Music for travelling
Music to socialize with.
Music to study with.
Music to have lunch with.
Music to dance to.
Music to fall asleep with.
And not only that, music also influenced my mood. It still does sometimes.

Saying that I'm attached to music is what they call an understatement. So, the past few years, I've tried to minimize the above, with succes.

A couple of weeks ago, on the radio they had the "90's request week", I really wanted to listen to it. Not only for the music, but also for the emotions and memories they are linked with. The 90's were my highschool years.
It was fun hearing those songs again, singing along and as always dancing when nobody's watching. The fun however didn't last as long as I thought it would... Only for 2 days .. And after that it was only a bunch of noise, disturbing my ease. It seemed that I had enough and was done with it.

So, taking that as my cue, I shall now quit with this lifestyle. Cold turkey. And resist the urge to think about what the perfect song would be.

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Pearls of Jannah

To be a mother of two sons has turned out to be different from being a mother of one son. Perhaps being a mother of two just is different, but I can only speak out of my own experiences.

Having Umar Haroen changed my life, because everything was about him without any regards for myself. It was tiring me out, but by my own choice, because I believed that I was investing in a better future for him if by spending so much energy on him.Looking back, sacrifices happily made, but at the time they very harsh to keep up.

It took a while before I was ready for another energy-consuming experience, and after 3 yrs the time felt right. I wanted Umar Haroen to have a sibling, and Mohammed Ayoub was born.
And what a sibling he is, a carbon copy! And I realised for the first time that I'm rich. Rich to have not one, but two beautiful pearls. This new level of awareness came with other positive side-effects, like patience and mercy. And thankfulness to the Creator, Who has blessed me beyond count.

And instead of energy-consuming, my second son has turned out to be energy-providing - making it possible to enjoy both of them to the fullest.

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It's easy to give up

It's been a hard day today, one of many in the past month.
The idea of the upcoming labour is tiring me out already .. is knowing what hardship is coming your way a blessing or a burden? This time I can at least 'prepare' myself, whatever that is suppose to mean.

Today I was ready to throw in the towel, to give up and lie in bed for the rest of the days to come. There seems to be no energy left, not in my legs, not in my back and not in my head.

But then I realised: giving up is too easy, and therefor no option!
Giving up has never done me any good, and once, a long time ago I decided that giving up isn't something that I just do.

So .. I won't give up and I won't give in ..
* I will get out of bed, and enjoy the day
* I will go to work for the next two weeks, and make the best of it
* I will do the household, as good as I can
* I will accept that I'm made to give birth, for I'm a woman
* I will smile
* I will play with my son
* I will keep my chin up and challenge the hardship

And all because I know that:
Allah doest NOT burden any human being with more than he is WELL ABLE TO BEAR!! (Q 2:286)

Sins in arrogance

I've been thinking about some of the daily sins that I commit, like listening to music. Yes, in my opnion listening to music is haram and therefor it's arrogant of me to keep on listening (music isn't even the real issue here, just one example of the many unlawful things I do ;p)

Will Allah (SWT) forgive me, even when it's pure arrogance manifesting itself in my deeds? And will He still forgive me, when we both know that I will listen to some more music tomorrow - and perhaps even sing-along?

I hope He does .. I might have a little problem otherwise.

..but I'm afraid I have to repent in honesty and stop doing all the things that are wrong and I don't feel that I'm ready for that yet ..

Meanwhile I thank my mum for making me learn all the six kalima's and making me reading them every day before I fall asleep:

"I seek forgiveness from Allah, my Lord, from every sin I committed knowingly or unknowingly, secretly or openly, and I turn towards Him from the sin that I know and from the sin that I do not know. Certainly You, You (are) the knower of the hidden things and the Concealer (of) the mistakes and the Forgiver (of) the sins. And (there is) no power and no strength except from Allah, the Most High, the Most Great." - 5th 'kalima'

The first Islam Congres in the Netherlands

I was surprised to see the amount of people that showed up for this Congres.
The visitors were from across all of the Netherlands, from different nationalities and with different Islamic views.

As I looked around I realised that this was my Ummah.
Here were the muslims of the Netherlands that care about their religion and about eachother.
All differences set aside, here we were all muslims and acknowledged eachother therein.

I'd like to thank the organization for this beautiful experience, and Insha'Allah me and my Ummah will profit from this meeting and hopefully many more.

Honor exists

There was a man striving to do good in the eyes of Allah (SWT). He worked very hard to become one of those Allah(SWT) was pleased with, in the hope that he would be granted a place near Allah (SWT) in the hereafter.

Eventhough his goal was clear, his path wasn't.
He was struggling with he many decisions he had to make in life and this was getting weary on him. When asked about why making decisions was so difficult for him, considering he quite well knew what he wanted and how to get it, he answered:
"My wife and kids need security in this life, so that they can develop themselves into good muslims - and it is my task to provide this security for them, before I can work on my own development"

Upon hearing this, I was amazed. Amazed to see a person taking his responsibility further than anyone would expect from him. I could come with no other description of his thoughts then ' honorable'. For I think there's true honor in working as hard as he does, and reasons for his motivation. Insha'Allah he will be granted what he wishes for (Ameen).

Eid-ul-Adha 2008

A moment of bliss

.. enjoying the moment ..

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What I want to see .. beauty ..

Non-religious folk tend to be skeptic towards anything and everything related to any religion. Where religious people are struck by miracle after miracle, nonbelievers will say "you only see it as a miracle, because it's what you want to see". And I have to give it to them, it's quite true - if you don't believe in miracles, you won't see them as such. There's always another scientific explanation, which makes more sense most of the times.

For me though, my religion has shown me a different look on the world. It has exposed to me the beauty of the creation, as it is more perfect than I could ever imagine. Everyday, for example, I'm amazed by the colours that decorate the sky.

On sunday, 17/02/2008, I saw death. When I went to feed my guinea pigs I found that one of them had died. As a normal woman, I was shocked to see her dead and I cried almost hysterically. I pulled myself together and went back to the cage, where I had to double-check. Sadly enough I wasn't mistaken, Pokì had died. But there was something else that struck me. Her face was in the direction of the Qibla, the direction we read our Salat (muslim prayer), the direction of Kaaba in Makkah.

Was that a coincidence? Did I only see that because I'd like to believe that it's true? Does it matter if I'm right or not? All I can say, is that to me it was a little (HUGE) miracle, and it comforted me. It gave me the feeling that my guinea pig had died in peace. That her last thoughts were with the Creator, and that she told Him that she was on her way to Him.

It sure sounds beautiful to me.

Eid Mubarak!!

Once upon a time in a land far far away,
there was an old man named Abraham. Abraham was a pious man en one night God spoke to him in his dream.
"Abraham, you must sacrifice your son to Me"
The next day Abraham told his son about his dream, and his brave son Ismael tol dhim what to do.
"Dad, if Allah wants you to sacrifice me, then you must."

And together they walked up the hill to the altar. When Abraham was about to slaughter his son, an angel appeared with a goat.
"Abraham, you have proved you willingness to sacrifice the one thing that's most dear to you in life, for Allah. Now, take this goat and sacrifice it instead."

To remember the piousness of Abraham, and stop to think about how much our beloved ones and precious posessions mean to us in relation to Allah - muslims celebrate the day of Eid-ul-Adha, on the 10th of Dhul-Hidja (this year the 19th or 20th of december)

WISHING YOU ALL A BLESSED EID-UL-ADHA!!!

I believe in..

When I was a little girl I was sent to mosque every saturday & sunday. There I learned to read the Qur'an and had to memorize short 'prayers'. At the time, I had (of course) no idea what the meaning of all those texts were - because I didn't understand Arabic and no one bothered to give any explanation.

As I grew older, I found some meanings out myself, and one of my favourites was the 'Ark`an al Imaan', also known as the 6 pillars of Faith. One of my favourites because of it's meaning. And though I've read it often, it never struck my heart as it did when I heard Talib al Habib's version on YouTube. (I prefer the short one :) )

The short version:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5Y-4zFyRv-A
The original version:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7FhN9Y-neQ0


The translation:
I believe in Allah,
and in His angels,
and in His Holy Books,
and in His messengers,
and the Last Day (Judgement Day),
and that both good fate and bad fate are predeterment by Allah,
and in life after death.

For more info: http://anwary-islam.com/life/pillars_iman.htm

In search of knowledge

Due to my brothers take-over of the nintendo DS, I had to look for a new hobby. I wonder if it's wise to work on a new project, while other 'projects' aren't done yet. Is it possible for me to combine them, to manage my little time properly so that I can do the right thing? I hope so, because working one project at the time just isn't my way. Whenever I feel inspired, I just have to act upon it. And so it is the case with my latest hobby-project.

Eventhough I am officially a psychologist now, I don't feel like one. Mostly because I'm not working atm :p Another factor is that I don't feel specialised enough. Mostly because I'm not working atm :p:p
SO, I've decided to educate myself further in the field of ISLAMIC PSYCHOLOGY! -- which has nothing to do with how muslims try to indoctrinate non-muslims or anything like that ;) in case you were wondering ..

No, I am interested in the Islamic views and perspective on the human being and it's psychological (emotional, social, cognitive, moral, etc) development. I've found some very interesting websites, that can help me in my search, and if you're interested in the subject then don't hesitate to visit them.

Koranische psychologie (dutch)
Muslim Psychologist (blog)
Islamic Psychology Online (articles and books)

And you know, to be honest, this is way much more fun than playing Zelda.
(but I do hope you finish the game soon bro!!)

edit 03/2008:
new links
Islamic Psychology 1
articles Islamic Psychology

Ban on Qur'an?

Seriously?
Yes, the Dutch politician Geert Wilders has made himself popular and impopular again. He claims that the Qur'an, the Holy Book of muslims, is a fascistic book and should be banned from the Netherlands. Mosques should be forbidden to sell them, and there should be a penalty on having a copy at home. It's the same blabla we've been hearing Geert Wilders say, ever since he popped out with his blonde coupe. Im not shocked to hear these words from him.

I am shocked however to hear other politicians reply on his statement with the words "The wholde idea is unrealistic. There's no way we can ensure such a ruling."
Unrealistic?!! Try 'unreasonable' or 'ridiculous' or how about 'idiotic filled with stupidity and not worthy of a serious reaction'!!
What am I, a dutch muslima, to think of the term 'unrealistic'? I know exactly what it means, it means that they agree with Geert Wilders and would want nothing more than a way to get rid of the Qur'an, but putting a ban on it would simply not be realistic ..

And people wonder why muslims in the Netherlands complain so much and take a defensive attitude.

muslim directory

My aunt in England told me about the muslim directory that they use over there. It's an easy way to look up products and services provided by the muslim community.
Why don't we have anything like that in the Netherlands? I for one would find it very useful!!

And of this week, the 22nd of April to be exact, we do have one in the Netherlands. It just isn't finished by far, but there is something to build on.

Hooray! And check it out: http://alleshalal.nl

SABR

= patience (arabic)

And of Thursday 12th of April, it's also the name of an Islamic student's association in the Netherlands. With my husband (who actually is a student) and my son I witnessed the opening of this association. Eventhough I couldn't follow everything of the program, things like that happen when you have a kid, I'm happy that I went. I think it's important for anyone who approves of such an association to show up at these sort of events: we are all needed like a bunch of cheerleaders, a main core of support, a backbone.

So what does this new student's association stand for, what are they willing to achieve, and most importantly .. was the opening any fun? :)

They started of with welcoming messages and moral messages like: "Everything comes in time, for those who have patience" and "Patience can be learned"

--
They've set up 6 goals:
1) To inform religious and non-religious students about Islam
2) To stimulate the experience in spiritual value of religion
3) To stimulate integration among students of different backgrounds
4) To support intereligious dialogue in order to increase respect for each other
5) To look after the interests of students when it comes to their education
6) To increase social involvement of the students

Sounds neat eh? That's what I thought. Insha'Allah (Godwilling) they'll achieve these goals and any new ones that develop. It 'only' needs a lot of hard work and of course .. patience.

For more information see http://www.sabr.nl/

ps. The food was delicious - always important at any event ;)

Islam in the Netherlands

As a muslima I believe that the Holy Quran is the Word of Allah. I do not only believe it is, I testify that it is! And with me all the muslims in the world, I'd reckon. It would be therefor very unrealistic to search for muslim editors who'd come together and make a 'legal' version of the Quran for the Netherlands.

What?! A legal version of the Quran?? What does that mean?!

I don't know. All I read was this newsarticle (in dutch)
http://www.parool.nl/nieuws/2007/APR/05/p1.html

So now all the politicians in Holland can come together and discuss the matter, but it won't change a thing. In believing that the Quran is the Word of God, I also believe that therefor it can not be changed be men.