beware: sadness ahead..

A fairly good start, peaking at the middle and a somewhat disappointing end..

Not talking about a movie, though it applies to many. With a couple of weeks left, the year we arbitrairy name 2011 will be over. And, Alhamdulillah, there have been some great events, and amazing things have happened. But it‘s end is bothering me.

As I said it‘s somewhat disappointing, I got tired, lost motivation, (positive) energy and worst of all .. Imaan & Taqwa. Both have decreased immensely, and I‘ve become weaker in protecting myself against waswasa‘s and my Nafs‘ cravings. And I hate it. Still I feel stuck, immobilized, unable to get up and act into changing my habits for the better.

But what‘s bothering me most, is the similarity with my life on the whole.. a fairly good start, peaking in the middle, but a possible disappointing end..

That‘s not only bothering me, but it SCARES me! I am really afraid (and that doesn‘t happen often). Because at the end of life, it doesn‘t matter how many great events there have been, or how amazing some moments or periods of life were.. it all comes down to how it ends.

And I‘d rather end at the peak of my Imaan, fully entangeled in my deen, shrouded in Taqwa .. than what I have at the moment..

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Relapsing

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Most people who struggle with addiction will have one or more relapses - the return to drug use after a drug-free period - during their ongoing attempts to recover. This can be extremely frustrating for patients and for families, as they have already experienced great pain.
- source: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/understanding_addiction/15_relapse.html

I have to take a moment of reflection now.

After one year I thought I had beaten my addiction. I have been musicfree for months, and couldn't care less if I stumbled upon some sounds here and there. I even stopped singing along (in my head) in the supermarkets!!

And then there came twitter.
I've been looking for muslim role-models, people who the youth can look up to and who already have some influence on the youth due to their popularity. Who else than ..rappers..

Clever ones too, people who are saying sensible -and even inspiring- things. Funny things too, but that all doesn't really matter. Because every tweet is by default connected to their music and every tweet is an invitation to look up one of their songs, and listen to what else they have to say.
That was the reason I was following them in the first place, right?
To see what they have to say to the larger audience?

And thus, I fell for my own trap.
One song leading to another one, lingering a bit longer on the musicchannels, watching the Voice and getting involved by having opinions as well. Letting music in again. One year of effort, to keep it out, gone in a poof.

But not entirely, because I still stand behind my decision to quit music. I'll still go on 'attempting to recover', no matter how many relapses occur!
I am stronger than this! There's nothing you can't achieve when you're focused and dedicated to the cause!
The FIGHT will go on!!
SUCCESS will prevail!!
YEAH, I can do this!!!

 ..after Eid?..

..arRRr..

I bet you‘re thinking pirates right now. And if you weren‘t, you are now.

But this post isn‘t about pirates, nor monsters - so you can stop thinking about monsters now..

In the Netherlands we have a saying that goes “the R is (back) in the month“
And is usually said in septembeR to open the ‘Pill-taking season‘. Because no one likes a cold, or the flu, or winter depression.. some extra vitamines are therefor needed!

That‘s why also in our house we‘ve got all the supplements each familymember needs. I‘m even having 3 different ones meself! (Don‘t worry, it‘s safe to combine them) Realising that it does kinda look crowded on the shelf and .. also a bit ridiculous ..

The thing is, we always try so hard in septembeR to keep our health,
but in octobeR always get a cold.
In novembeR we get the flu and
in decembeR there is no escape from the winterdepression.
We stop caring about it in JanuaRy, we just want to stay warm by then.
With the sun coming through in febRuari
and flowers in maRch we often mistake the spring for summer.
And who notices an R being in apRil.

So that R and all these vitamins don‘t really mean much, I suppose, and they also taste awfull..
Now every morning, just before I take my daily pills, my mind & stomache go arRRrr!

Why I still take them? Well, I don‘t want to catch a cold ..

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Ode to Mosquitoes

Do I really mean mosquitoes?
As in ...bzzzzzztt bzzzzzzttt.. *sting* *ouch*..  ?
And do I really mean ode as in praise?
Not death or curse, or anything else that inflicts them in any way?

Don't get me wrong, all my life there has been this hate-hate relationship between us. And we've had some heavy battles in this war, like the Great Battle of Summer 2007.
It was epic!

I just can't say they're nasty little buggers anymore. I have to let go the hate. And this is why.

Only recently did my son ask me, why there were mosquitoes. I gave him the standard religious reply
'Allah (SWT) created everything with His Wisdom, and we should respect every animal... nature..ecosystem..good muslims..etc etc.'
But the truth was that I could NOT figure out WHY there were mosquitoes.
I couldn't tell my son that I've been wondering that for ages myself, why are there mosquitoes?!?!
I couldn't tell my son what I deeply wished for the mosquitoes .. a kid shouldn't hear that kind of language.

So what changed in these last few weeks, that made me hate them less.
That made me even appreciate them.
That made me thank Allah(SWT) for his Mercy. And perhaps even the gift of mosquitoes.
..Alright.. not gift,.

This is what happened. I was too tired to hear the alarm buzz, while it was time for Fadjr (morning prayer). The mosquitoes in my room came to aid and buzzed instead, along with some itchy stings to make sure I'd wake up.
And like this,.. the Fadjr salah was saved and I understood their purpose.
It's quite beautiful, really. Thank you mosquitoes. To you this ode.

..No need for 8 mosquitoes in the room tho ..

Countdown to Ramadan 1432

R minus 7
House cleaned inside out.
Well, at least most of it.
Ramadan, you are most welcome!

R minus 6
Deactivated social networks.
Want to get my head clear, and not waste time on checking & sharing status updates.
And who knows, after Ramadan I might still keep it deactivated.

R minus 5
There has been a lot of rain past few days. Combined with the warm weather it can only result in one thing:
Mosquito attaque
Also pointing out that I do not have much patience and give in quickly to my impulses.
           ~*must scratch*~
Good thing I can practice again soon.

R minus 4
Considering to start detoxing caffeïne.
Bought a coffee-to-go anyway, and had it spilled on the floor and partly on my shoe.

R minus 3
Last Jumma before Ramadan already!!
Haven‘t cleared my deadlines yet.
Where is my pre-Ramadan-Imaan-Energy-Boost?

R minus 2
Thinking about what food would be best, with thanks to ‘eco muslim‘ (ecojihad.blogspot.com) and making a list.
Setting the personal goals, getting mentally prepared for the challenges. A little anxious about what I‘ll see from my Nafs.

R minus 1
Last minute groceries.
Check, check, double-check.
Have the feeling that I haven‘t fasted for ages!!! Wonder what it feel like and what impacts it shall have: physically, mentally and spiritually..
Preparing some food for Suhur.
Drinking a glass of Ayran (Turkish yoghurtdrink) and a glass of water before going to bed.

Ramadan Mubarak!

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To have love and lost .. and love even more.

First the happiness that fills you up, when you see the ‘plus‘-sign on the predictor, when wanting a baby. The thoughts of how the near future may look like. The wondering of the sexe, and what names might suit him or her.

Then the worrying and the ‘what ifs‘. Without a confirmation you can‘t be sure. And the long wait until the docter‘s appointment.

Meanwhile a backache here and there, and very suspiscious, the lack of morning sickness. Memories uncover and similarities are found with that first pregnancy. The one that turned to be a sad story, because of the unexpected turnout of a miscarriage.

And so it was again. The same event, but a different exprience. This time I was not only prepared, I had already come in peace with the former miscarriage. Also I wasn‘t childless anymore.

Still, to be able to rationalise doesn‘t mean you can‘t be sad.

Then there was the hospitalisation. I didn‘t like this bit the last time, so I wasn‘t looking forward to this. But it all went better then expected. I wasn‘t feeling sick of the narcotics and I wasn‘t bleeding, nor having cramps. After an hour I was already being released.

Going home and looking forward to seeing my happy and healthy kids. Appreciating more what I have, and if possible, loving them even more.

Rights and wrongs

My rights are taken
My freedom is gone

violated
isolated

Being oppressed
What have I done

No choice anymore
Mischievous and unjust

Stop pretending
That you‘re rescuing

I won‘t take off my hijab

For nothing,.. and for everything

Not for the government.
Not for the opposition.
Not for the province.
Not for the senate.
Not for the country.
Not for the system.

Not for democracy.
Not for freedom.
Not for being heard.
Not for the hopes of better times.
Not for good.
Not for evil.
Not for money.
Not for my children.
Not for my parents.
Not for me.

I'm not taking for granted what I have.
I'm not going to let it go to waste.

For the voiceless.
For the oppressed.
For the fallen.

vote.