Ode to Mosquitoes

Do I really mean mosquitoes?
As in ...bzzzzzztt bzzzzzzttt.. *sting* *ouch*..  ?
And do I really mean ode as in praise?
Not death or curse, or anything else that inflicts them in any way?

Don't get me wrong, all my life there has been this hate-hate relationship between us. And we've had some heavy battles in this war, like the Great Battle of Summer 2007.
It was epic!

I just can't say they're nasty little buggers anymore. I have to let go the hate. And this is why.

Only recently did my son ask me, why there were mosquitoes. I gave him the standard religious reply
'Allah (SWT) created everything with His Wisdom, and we should respect every animal... nature..ecosystem..good muslims..etc etc.'
But the truth was that I could NOT figure out WHY there were mosquitoes.
I couldn't tell my son that I've been wondering that for ages myself, why are there mosquitoes?!?!
I couldn't tell my son what I deeply wished for the mosquitoes .. a kid shouldn't hear that kind of language.

So what changed in these last few weeks, that made me hate them less.
That made me even appreciate them.
That made me thank Allah(SWT) for his Mercy. And perhaps even the gift of mosquitoes.
..Alright.. not gift,.

This is what happened. I was too tired to hear the alarm buzz, while it was time for Fadjr (morning prayer). The mosquitoes in my room came to aid and buzzed instead, along with some itchy stings to make sure I'd wake up.
And like this,.. the Fadjr salah was saved and I understood their purpose.
It's quite beautiful, really. Thank you mosquitoes. To you this ode.

..No need for 8 mosquitoes in the room tho ..

Countdown to Ramadan 1432

R minus 7
House cleaned inside out.
Well, at least most of it.
Ramadan, you are most welcome!

R minus 6
Deactivated social networks.
Want to get my head clear, and not waste time on checking & sharing status updates.
And who knows, after Ramadan I might still keep it deactivated.

R minus 5
There has been a lot of rain past few days. Combined with the warm weather it can only result in one thing:
Mosquito attaque
Also pointing out that I do not have much patience and give in quickly to my impulses.
           ~*must scratch*~
Good thing I can practice again soon.

R minus 4
Considering to start detoxing caffeïne.
Bought a coffee-to-go anyway, and had it spilled on the floor and partly on my shoe.

R minus 3
Last Jumma before Ramadan already!!
Haven‘t cleared my deadlines yet.
Where is my pre-Ramadan-Imaan-Energy-Boost?

R minus 2
Thinking about what food would be best, with thanks to ‘eco muslim‘ (ecojihad.blogspot.com) and making a list.
Setting the personal goals, getting mentally prepared for the challenges. A little anxious about what I‘ll see from my Nafs.

R minus 1
Last minute groceries.
Check, check, double-check.
Have the feeling that I haven‘t fasted for ages!!! Wonder what it feel like and what impacts it shall have: physically, mentally and spiritually..
Preparing some food for Suhur.
Drinking a glass of Ayran (Turkish yoghurtdrink) and a glass of water before going to bed.

Ramadan Mubarak!

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To have love and lost .. and love even more.

First the happiness that fills you up, when you see the ‘plus‘-sign on the predictor, when wanting a baby. The thoughts of how the near future may look like. The wondering of the sexe, and what names might suit him or her.

Then the worrying and the ‘what ifs‘. Without a confirmation you can‘t be sure. And the long wait until the docter‘s appointment.

Meanwhile a backache here and there, and very suspiscious, the lack of morning sickness. Memories uncover and similarities are found with that first pregnancy. The one that turned to be a sad story, because of the unexpected turnout of a miscarriage.

And so it was again. The same event, but a different exprience. This time I was not only prepared, I had already come in peace with the former miscarriage. Also I wasn‘t childless anymore.

Still, to be able to rationalise doesn‘t mean you can‘t be sad.

Then there was the hospitalisation. I didn‘t like this bit the last time, so I wasn‘t looking forward to this. But it all went better then expected. I wasn‘t feeling sick of the narcotics and I wasn‘t bleeding, nor having cramps. After an hour I was already being released.

Going home and looking forward to seeing my happy and healthy kids. Appreciating more what I have, and if possible, loving them even more.

Rights and wrongs

My rights are taken
My freedom is gone

violated
isolated

Being oppressed
What have I done

No choice anymore
Mischievous and unjust

Stop pretending
That you‘re rescuing

I won‘t take off my hijab

For nothing,.. and for everything

Not for the government.
Not for the opposition.
Not for the province.
Not for the senate.
Not for the country.
Not for the system.

Not for democracy.
Not for freedom.
Not for being heard.
Not for the hopes of better times.
Not for good.
Not for evil.
Not for money.
Not for my children.
Not for my parents.
Not for me.

I'm not taking for granted what I have.
I'm not going to let it go to waste.

For the voiceless.
For the oppressed.
For the fallen.

vote.

Upcoming 11, past 30

I wish I could say that the first of january is just another day, not different from any other. Alas, I find myself looking back on the events of past year.. and the years before.

I'm now not far off turning 30, wich basically means getting OLD.
I remember not being able to imagine my self as a 25-yr old, but now 2006 seems like ancient history. Have I realy gone old without noticing? Blaming the 'little things' like dry skin, hair loss and backaches on having children..

I think I have not. I think, actally, that I'm not old at all, really I don't even look old (if I may say myself). Yes, tired and sleepless, but that might pass upcoming year.

I also decided early this year that 2011 will be a sports year. I'm gonna get my sneekers on and walk as much as I can, maybe even run from time to time. Also planning on finally getting that burkini!!

And if nothing of the sort happens, no worries, being a mom is like a sport as well.

Now the things I'm not planning to do, or planning to not-do (anymore):
Not yet going back to work. No trips to far away. No more zoo trips, well .. not as often as in 2011.
What else not? No more sulking, no more sarcasm - difficult -, no more .. some of the other vices I have. If you see any, please notify ..

Fact remains, that eventhough I feel fit and extremely optimistic, I'd still be turning 30. Which basically means OLD. And comes with slower metabolism, aches all over, wrinkles, fails where I used to succeed, and a few drops in my IQ. Hihi, think that has already begun. I have to be a bit realistic, and act more like my age.

I'm sure it'll be okay, Insha'Allah, let's just see what happens and how it turns out to be. And enjoy along the way.

Quitting Music

Everyone who knows me, even just slightly, knows that I like music .. A lot. It actually is a part of my identity. There has been a time that I could only define myself with songs. And the songs determined my self-image.

There was also this addiction, this need for music with everything that I did.
Music to wake up to.
Music to have breakfast with.
Music for travelling
Music to socialize with.
Music to study with.
Music to have lunch with.
Music to dance to.
Music to fall asleep with.
And not only that, music also influenced my mood. It still does sometimes.

Saying that I'm attached to music is what they call an understatement. So, the past few years, I've tried to minimize the above, with succes.

A couple of weeks ago, on the radio they had the "90's request week", I really wanted to listen to it. Not only for the music, but also for the emotions and memories they are linked with. The 90's were my highschool years.
It was fun hearing those songs again, singing along and as always dancing when nobody's watching. The fun however didn't last as long as I thought it would... Only for 2 days .. And after that it was only a bunch of noise, disturbing my ease. It seemed that I had enough and was done with it.

So, taking that as my cue, I shall now quit with this lifestyle. Cold turkey. And resist the urge to think about what the perfect song would be.

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Pearls of Jannah

To be a mother of two sons has turned out to be different from being a mother of one son. Perhaps being a mother of two just is different, but I can only speak out of my own experiences.

Having Umar Haroen changed my life, because everything was about him without any regards for myself. It was tiring me out, but by my own choice, because I believed that I was investing in a better future for him if by spending so much energy on him.Looking back, sacrifices happily made, but at the time they very harsh to keep up.

It took a while before I was ready for another energy-consuming experience, and after 3 yrs the time felt right. I wanted Umar Haroen to have a sibling, and Mohammed Ayoub was born.
And what a sibling he is, a carbon copy! And I realised for the first time that I'm rich. Rich to have not one, but two beautiful pearls. This new level of awareness came with other positive side-effects, like patience and mercy. And thankfulness to the Creator, Who has blessed me beyond count.

And instead of energy-consuming, my second son has turned out to be energy-providing - making it possible to enjoy both of them to the fullest.

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After the long wait

After Umar Haroen was born, it took me quite a while before I thought I was ready for another kid.
When we decided that our family was ready for another member, it was still a shock to find out I was pregnant not long after the decision was made. I was scared that things would go wrong, but I was also anxious about everything if all would be well - meaning that nine months later there would be another kid around! And besides that, I was about to start my new job .. How could we be sure that the time was right?

After this, the long and tiring months followed. This pregnancy was very different from the one before, in which I was very fit & active. Now, I was only being tired and grumpy with a lot of aches everywhere - well, not the entire time, but it was mostly like this.

4 weeks before the due-date, I've worked a lot in and around the house, to make sure everything was ready. With only 2 weeks to go, I was ready. I felt ready, and when I felt the first cramps I knew that the baby was ready as well. In these two weeks I learned that it seems that I don't know my body at all, I had one false alarm after the other - but no baby.

And then it was the 6th of April, D-day, so to speak ... 1 day over due - 2 days over due - 3 days .. and I stopped counting.

But on the night from the 16th to the 17th, I woke up with teriible aches. Of course, I didn't believe it was the real deal, because I had been fooled so many times by now. I just got up, took a shower and waited for the aches to lessen. Which didn't happen..  It was time ..

A couple of hours later I was given my son Mohammed Ayoub. My first thought on seeing him was 'Umar Haroen' (his brother).
And when I held him, everything was perfect. Our family felt complete, Umar now has a little brother, Shah and I now have 2 sons.

There were no worries anymore, everything was as it was and as it was supposed to be. Subhan'Allah.

It's easy to give up

It's been a hard day today, one of many in the past month.
The idea of the upcoming labour is tiring me out already .. is knowing what hardship is coming your way a blessing or a burden? This time I can at least 'prepare' myself, whatever that is suppose to mean.

Today I was ready to throw in the towel, to give up and lie in bed for the rest of the days to come. There seems to be no energy left, not in my legs, not in my back and not in my head.

But then I realised: giving up is too easy, and therefor no option!
Giving up has never done me any good, and once, a long time ago I decided that giving up isn't something that I just do.

So .. I won't give up and I won't give in ..
* I will get out of bed, and enjoy the day
* I will go to work for the next two weeks, and make the best of it
* I will do the household, as good as I can
* I will accept that I'm made to give birth, for I'm a woman
* I will smile
* I will play with my son
* I will keep my chin up and challenge the hardship

And all because I know that:
Allah doest NOT burden any human being with more than he is WELL ABLE TO BEAR!! (Q 2:286)

Just another trip to the UK

Day 1. All packed?
It's freezing outside .. brr .. have to pick up little sister and get to Hoek van Holland. We're taking the ferry to Harwich and arrived 7 hrs later, 20.30 hrs local time.

My sister on the ferry :)

Have to go up all the way to Manchester, a 4,5 hr drive - It's snowing, it's dark and the only way to get there is to follow TomTom.. We arrived safely, at 02.15 hrs, time for some Cha and a nice soft & warm bed.

Day 2. Nice to see the relatives
It snowed throughout the day, had some fun in it.

Li'l Umar throwing snow at ..

..me, and after a while ..

this is what could happen ;p

It was a nice family day, we met the new inlaws and the new kids and had a real good meal. Also saw the final of "move like Michael Jackson", the Animaineax were awesome ;p It was a good day.

Day 3. Is it much farther papa smurf? This day we have mostly been travelling from Manchester to London .. Yes.. that sums it op quite well ..

Day 4. A day out with the family
Went with a couple of adults and a bunch of kids to have a fun day out. We went by tube, first time for Umar on an 'English train', he was very excited about it.

It was the excitement that tired him out ;p

We went for a meal in the Pizza Hut, saw the new Christmas Carol movie (very nice cinematics) and on to the lights of the fair.

The Pizza was too exciting as well ..

High up in the weel!

Day 5. Need a break
Let's not forget that I'm pregnant, all the fun is way too tiring for me, so I decided to take a break today. I did NOT go to Harrods, NOR to the National History Museum :`(

Day 6. Back with a vengeance
Visited some more relatives today, but the best part was too leave Umar with hubby dearest and go shopping myself!! Yeai.

Now this is graffiti that I like!

Day 7. Jummah
A good day to sit back and reflect, I was very good in the first part ..
No plans to go outside, my husband and the sisters went after the 'OMG how delicious was that?!!'-dinner. As they went sightseeing and Umar was playing with his cousins, I had some time to play a bit of WoW (fish don't leave footprints). I like this holiday :D

Day 8. (wait in the) Shop till ye drop
I think that most men probably already know this, but if you ever go shopping with a shop-a-holic, beware that you might end up waiting a long time until that person is done (if possible). I like to shop, but I also know what I like and what not and don't take up a lot of time thinking about it.. so this was a good experience reminding me of why I'd rather shop alone ;p
Still had a good day tho, because we also went to Hamley's - and that's where others have to wait until I'm done exploring :D

Going down ;)

Cheerful workers @ Hamley's (the one in red)

Went for a good walk all the way to Regent's Park after the shopping frenzy.

Before ..

.. & after

This is Naila Ghani, reporting LIVE from the BBC ..

Day 9. Time to go home now..
It was a good holiday, I had my share of fun, got relaxed, ate A LOT and .. got to see my family again after some years. The speediness of time is shown when I look at the little kids who don't seem to be little anymore. Hope to see you all rather sooner than later and as for the grown-ups, thank you for taking us in, for your kindness & warmth and I hope we didn't burden you too much.

Salaam,
Naila

Expanding

Not am I only referring to my size, I'm also referring to my family.
We've decided that we'd like to expand ourselves, meaning that we're ready for another kid (which probably explains the first expansion I was referring to).

Of course deciding you want a kid and having one are two seperate things, a lesson I learned 4 years ago. So far it seems that Allah(SWT) agrees with us, I hope all will stay well and that the little one is healthy and stays healthy and me too ;)

For those who'd like to know 'how far I am/we are': 16 weeks (on 21th of octobre 2009)

A timeless day

Time never seemed to be an issue in what now seems a former life.

I remember waking up, getting ready for school, enjoying the day, going back to home, play a little outside or indoors when raining, hanging in front of the telly and then off to bed.
None of these actions seemed to be related to time, of course some of them were, but I never had to pay any attention to time (that's my mum's job I realise now).
When it was time, it was, and when it wasn't I'd find something else to do in the meanwhile.

Nowadays it seems that everything has to be planned into details, taking traveltime (and delay due to traveling) into account, because things won't get done if not planned properly. I have like 3 calenders, not counting my workcalendar, I make lists almost every day to be as efficient as possible and get very upset when I'm behind on my schedule .. (for instande 14.30 it's time for groceries, and it's 15.15 already.. grrr .. supposed to dry the laundry now)

Well, not today.
Today I'm having a sunday like I used to - no rushing, no deadlines, nothing that HAS to be done, but getting things done nonetheless, in their own time.

And I must say, I'm really enjoying my day so far :)

The end of an era..

I agree with every critic who'll claim that the 'era' of Michael Jackson has been ended a long time ago. Totally true. I'm honest enough to say that his most recent songs (also a while ago) just weren't any good.
And I'm still shocked about the things I saw en heard in Martin Bashir's docu. After that, the image of Michael could never be the same, it was all too sad. And I was done with Michael, with respect for the genius he had been before and during my childhood.

But when I woke up today, 26th june of 2009, and saw on the 'breaking news' of CNN that Michael Jackson IS dead, I had to sit down and push back my tears.

This was the definite end of an era.

And it's weird. It's weird that someone who has been there my whole life, all of a sudden isn't around anymore. The story is over before it was. Or so it seems.

Won't remember him as 'agent M' tho, rather more a bit like this:

"Jaqeus" ?? ?

When I was a rebelious youngster, I thought tattoos were awesome and that I definetely needed one. I was thinking about something like this:

or this:

Of course the deal didn't go through, because I know my mum would kill me when she'd find out. And she would definately find out about it..

How great tattoos seemed, I'd never go for anyone's name tattooed anywhere on my body. Relationships are dynamical - yes, I knew this back then already - and in my opinion one would always regret a name tattoo eventually. And names tattood in 'plain' font aren't decorative anyway, they're ... ugly .. there I said it!

Sursprised was I to see a women with a name tattoo on the train today.
Not only because she apparantly DOES find name tattoos in worthwhile, but also because the name she had (probably painfully) tattood wasn't spelled correctly...


.. The only vowel after a "q" can be a "u" ..

Sins in arrogance

I've been thinking about some of the daily sins that I commit, like listening to music. Yes, in my opnion listening to music is haram and therefor it's arrogant of me to keep on listening (music isn't even the real issue here, just one example of the many unlawful things I do ;p)

Will Allah (SWT) forgive me, even when it's pure arrogance manifesting itself in my deeds? And will He still forgive me, when we both know that I will listen to some more music tomorrow - and perhaps even sing-along?

I hope He does .. I might have a little problem otherwise.

..but I'm afraid I have to repent in honesty and stop doing all the things that are wrong and I don't feel that I'm ready for that yet ..

Meanwhile I thank my mum for making me learn all the six kalima's and making me reading them every day before I fall asleep:

"I seek forgiveness from Allah, my Lord, from every sin I committed knowingly or unknowingly, secretly or openly, and I turn towards Him from the sin that I know and from the sin that I do not know. Certainly You, You (are) the knower of the hidden things and the Concealer (of) the mistakes and the Forgiver (of) the sins. And (there is) no power and no strength except from Allah, the Most High, the Most Great." - 5th 'kalima'

The first Islam Congres in the Netherlands

I was surprised to see the amount of people that showed up for this Congres.
The visitors were from across all of the Netherlands, from different nationalities and with different Islamic views.

As I looked around I realised that this was my Ummah.
Here were the muslims of the Netherlands that care about their religion and about eachother.
All differences set aside, here we were all muslims and acknowledged eachother therein.

I'd like to thank the organization for this beautiful experience, and Insha'Allah me and my Ummah will profit from this meeting and hopefully many more.

Honor exists

There was a man striving to do good in the eyes of Allah (SWT). He worked very hard to become one of those Allah(SWT) was pleased with, in the hope that he would be granted a place near Allah (SWT) in the hereafter.

Eventhough his goal was clear, his path wasn't.
He was struggling with he many decisions he had to make in life and this was getting weary on him. When asked about why making decisions was so difficult for him, considering he quite well knew what he wanted and how to get it, he answered:
"My wife and kids need security in this life, so that they can develop themselves into good muslims - and it is my task to provide this security for them, before I can work on my own development"

Upon hearing this, I was amazed. Amazed to see a person taking his responsibility further than anyone would expect from him. I could come with no other description of his thoughts then ' honorable'. For I think there's true honor in working as hard as he does, and reasons for his motivation. Insha'Allah he will be granted what he wishes for (Ameen).

The need to socialize

After a long resistance against hyves I had to yield, and now resistance against facebook seems futile as well.

I've had an account for ages, but now I've added some friends .. and to be honest, it seems a lot like 'hyves', so why another network in the form of facebook? I'm not that global yet, I don't have many international contacts - and frankly I don't think I'll have them any time soon. There seems to be no use for facebook.

Do I feel left behind, when not part of this network? .. yes, a little ..

So, for all the wrong reasons: facebook here I come!

.. it's 2009 now .. eh ..

Time sure flies ... and not only when having fun.
What has happened the past decade? Not only to the world, but to me, personally. I feel like my life has been frozen in 1998 and that I'm living someone else's life since. That's probably the reason why I don't age, not physically and not mentally - frozen in time, until the spell breaks.

I think it's time now. Time to snap out of it and realize that I am who I am! Still have to figure out what that means tho.

2009 .. already .. and what have I done with my life so far? And more important: what will I do with my life from this day on?

Of course, that it's 2009 doesn't have anything to do with this philosophizing, nor the fact that I'll turn 28 this month ;p

It's just time ..

Eid-ul-Adha 2008

A moment of bliss

.. enjoying the moment ..

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History seems an understatement

The more I think about it, the more I realise that in my short life there have been many events and figures that have written history.
I'm surprised that this much significancy can happen in such a short period, and not to mention the great historical events before I was born.

If placed in a wide perspective I'd name the period from World War II, till now and still ongoing the EXTRA-HISTORICAL ERA. Just think about the relatively short period and it's events ..

Who would have thought that a nuclear bomb would be used against mankind?
Who would have thought that genocide would take the scales that they have?
Who would have thought that men would walk the moon?
Who would have thought nations would unite?
Who would have thought that global warming would show it's effects this soon?
And ...
Who would have thought that the United States of America would vote for a black president?!


Not me, and I'm sure Chris Rock neither ..

who decides ..

..what you should do with your life?
..how you should handle your responsibilities?
..what should be best for you?
..how you should react in tense situations?
..what's right and what's wrong?

What are these decisions based on?
Are these fair?

Inspired by the Olympics

just play the game
and play it fair
fight the fight
and don't despair

If you think you've lost
then you have
But don't think you've won
until you have

accept the challenge
grasp every opportunity
push your limits
and you'll have victory

(Insha'Allah)

tip: google theme logo's - every day a new olympic google,
for example (nr 08 basketball):