I look at you
And see the face of a woman
You may not have realised
You've grown up

Perhaps you didn't want to know
Clinging on to youth
The one you never had

Don't miss out while holding on
It is time

Live

De dood

De dood overspoelt met herinneringen.
Herinneringen aan de overledene.
Herinneringen aan overledenen.
Herinnering aan de dood.

Van Allah komen wij en tot Allah zullen we wederkeren.

Emptiness

To look without seeing
To touch without feeling
To inhale without breathing
To live without being

.

How bad it may seem, remember..

it is from depths that you can climb high

oppression brings out courage
destruction brings out hope
desolation brings out faith
annihilation brings out resilience
hate brings out fraternation
pain brings out strength

light shines brighter in darkness

Two weeks to be better

After seeing the documentary 'Fed up' I've realised that in fact I ám fed up. Not only with my eating habits, but with several aspects of my lifestyle.

After comtemplating I figured out that there are some fears that I have, and I don't want them anymore. It's these fears that lead me into (not) doing particular activities - and I'm quite fed up with that!

Overcoming my fears will result in a healthier, happier and more productive lifestyle.

The fears I have (i.e. the ones I could think of) are:
* speaking in public (I know, who thought about that?! Having been a teacher and all..)
* Taking part in traffic (like driving a car.. thinking about it is stressing about it)
* Being a disappointment (HIGH standards and I CANNOT fail!)
* Not looking good (I think that song is about me)
* Bad health (and that's definitely where I'm heading, if I don't make the effort to change)

So. To take charge of my life and improve myself I have to tackle these fears. They are annoying and obstructive. To help me with that I've taken the following steps:
- downloaded the app 'The Fabulous' and using it.
- video logging (vlogging is the word) my progress & reflections.

The app promises improvement within 15 days. Therefor I shall log at least every day for the coming 14 days.

I might blag, I mean blog about the progress.

Wish me luck!

ps. The vlogs are in dutch.

A new day

Today was a new day. Not like every other day is new. It was a particular kind of new. The kind that comes across once every few years - if you're lucky. The ones that bring new beginnings.

It was a new day and I can't wait till tomorrow.

Hijabiversary

I'm not sure if other women 'celebrate' the day they started wearing hijab. And if they would, it could probably be categorized as bidah (=innovation in religion).

That being said, I do take a minute every year to remember the day I started wearing hijab. It was the evening of April the 29th, that I stood in front of the mirror trying some scarfs on - like I have done so many evenings before. Trying them on this way and that, until I found a style that suited me. The thing different this time was that when I looked at myself I could still see me. That might sound weird, because who else was I expecting, right? Still, this was how I felt and concluded there and then that a hijab was a part of me and my identity. I remember how thrilled I was to take the step, how clear it was that this was something that belonged with me, and how much I wanted to do this.

I knew that I might chicken out if I'd let it stay there, in the try-outs of my room. To ensure that I was going through with it people had to see me wearing it.

The next day it (conveniently)was a Dutch holiday, Queensday, and that meant that everyone would be at the fair. I was bound to bump into people that I know, and they would see me wearing hijab. And confirm me. It would make it more real, and that is exactly what happened. Though, looking back, my hijab was confirmed with the first step out of the house ~ the people were just a motivation to literally take that step.

Every year since I reflect on what this hijab means to me, and go back to that core of the why and how I'm wearing one. And every year it makes me happy and proud and it motivates me to become a better me. The imaan is boosted once again.

Happy Hijabiversary to me!

There and back again

..feeling quite done with microblogging (read: Twitter)
Re-learning to express in > 140 characters.

.

Not a writer

I'm not a writer
I just like to write
I'm not a writer
And that's allright

I'm writing left
I'm writing right
I'm writing in the day
I'm writing in the night

I write about rights
I write about sights
Not about flights
Just the things on my mind

I'm not a writer
I just like to write
I write when I like
And that's my right
.

6 yrs

It's been 6 yrs since I started this blog. But that's not of significant importance. It's been 6 yrs since I graduated. That was quite important. But I'd rather not think about the dramatic ending is has been. It has also been 6 yrs that I received the greatest challenge in life so far. My eldest son. Umar Haroen.

6 yrs ago, I didn't know what to expect. Eventhough I've seen babies in my environment, and studied about their development, I wasn't prepared for the real deal: having a child myself.
I remember being shakey and nervous in that first week, because Umar was so small and I was afraid I'd do something wrong or hurt him by accident. Then there was the second week in which Umar got hospitalised for an entire week. This has been traumatic for both of us, still is in some ways. After this came the very tiring first 6 months. All I did all day, every day - and night - was breastfeeding, or so it seemed. Can's remember much else from this period. Oh and studying for that final test in order to graduate..

And after these months it was still tiring, but just not as much. Or I got used to it or accepted it, or something. Still breastfeeding, but I think I got some sleep as well..

Hard work it has been, and still is, but the reward was there and to be seen immediately. Because in between the cries I had the cutest little baby. With a smile that can take away every sorrow. And a look that said 'I love you' better than any poem. And I played with him and I talked with him and I taught him the things I thought were useful to him.

And now he is 6 yrs old. Not a baby anymore, but still the cutest kid :)
(along with is little brother and sister)

The next expansion expected!

Those who know that I like the game ‘World of Warcraft‘ may not be surprised that I‘m looking forward to the next expansion of the game.

Tho, that‘s not what this post is about. The expansion that I‘m looking forward to is the one of my family. We are expecting another baby, hooray!
Insha‘Allah, the baby will arrive the beginning of August.. in the middle of Ramadan, Subhan‘Allah. I like that.

With 2 months left, things are getting hectic (as they always do when things are due). The typical feeling of “so much to do and so little time to do them“. With the extra problem of being too tired to be frantically on and about, just don‘t have much energy left to be hectic.

Enough about me, back to the baby. The  big question is of course the gender.. will we have a girl this time, or will we be blessed with three sons?
Both options are very exciting, and I wonder how it will affect our family life.
And of course “it doesn‘t matter as long as it‘s a healthy child“, right.. we‘d be happy anywayz, but it still does matter!!

I just hope that I don‘t have to wait for too long now.. 2 months.. :)

beware: sadness ahead..

A fairly good start, peaking at the middle and a somewhat disappointing end..

Not talking about a movie, though it applies to many. With a couple of weeks left, the year we arbitrairy name 2011 will be over. And, Alhamdulillah, there have been some great events, and amazing things have happened. But it‘s end is bothering me.

As I said it‘s somewhat disappointing, I got tired, lost motivation, (positive) energy and worst of all .. Imaan & Taqwa. Both have decreased immensely, and I‘ve become weaker in protecting myself against waswasa‘s and my Nafs‘ cravings. And I hate it. Still I feel stuck, immobilized, unable to get up and act into changing my habits for the better.

But what‘s bothering me most, is the similarity with my life on the whole.. a fairly good start, peaking in the middle, but a possible disappointing end..

That‘s not only bothering me, but it SCARES me! I am really afraid (and that doesn‘t happen often). Because at the end of life, it doesn‘t matter how many great events there have been, or how amazing some moments or periods of life were.. it all comes down to how it ends.

And I‘d rather end at the peak of my Imaan, fully entangeled in my deen, shrouded in Taqwa .. than what I have at the moment..

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Relapsing

.
Most people who struggle with addiction will have one or more relapses - the return to drug use after a drug-free period - during their ongoing attempts to recover. This can be extremely frustrating for patients and for families, as they have already experienced great pain.
- source: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/understanding_addiction/15_relapse.html

I have to take a moment of reflection now.

After one year I thought I had beaten my addiction. I have been musicfree for months, and couldn't care less if I stumbled upon some sounds here and there. I even stopped singing along (in my head) in the supermarkets!!

And then there came twitter.
I've been looking for muslim role-models, people who the youth can look up to and who already have some influence on the youth due to their popularity. Who else than ..rappers..

Clever ones too, people who are saying sensible -and even inspiring- things. Funny things too, but that all doesn't really matter. Because every tweet is by default connected to their music and every tweet is an invitation to look up one of their songs, and listen to what else they have to say.
That was the reason I was following them in the first place, right?
To see what they have to say to the larger audience?

And thus, I fell for my own trap.
One song leading to another one, lingering a bit longer on the musicchannels, watching the Voice and getting involved by having opinions as well. Letting music in again. One year of effort, to keep it out, gone in a poof.

But not entirely, because I still stand behind my decision to quit music. I'll still go on 'attempting to recover', no matter how many relapses occur!
I am stronger than this! There's nothing you can't achieve when you're focused and dedicated to the cause!
The FIGHT will go on!!
SUCCESS will prevail!!
YEAH, I can do this!!!

 ..after Eid?..

..arRRr..

I bet you‘re thinking pirates right now. And if you weren‘t, you are now.

But this post isn‘t about pirates, nor monsters - so you can stop thinking about monsters now..

In the Netherlands we have a saying that goes “the R is (back) in the month“
And is usually said in septembeR to open the ‘Pill-taking season‘. Because no one likes a cold, or the flu, or winter depression.. some extra vitamines are therefor needed!

That‘s why also in our house we‘ve got all the supplements each familymember needs. I‘m even having 3 different ones meself! (Don‘t worry, it‘s safe to combine them) Realising that it does kinda look crowded on the shelf and .. also a bit ridiculous ..

The thing is, we always try so hard in septembeR to keep our health,
but in octobeR always get a cold.
In novembeR we get the flu and
in decembeR there is no escape from the winterdepression.
We stop caring about it in JanuaRy, we just want to stay warm by then.
With the sun coming through in febRuari
and flowers in maRch we often mistake the spring for summer.
And who notices an R being in apRil.

So that R and all these vitamins don‘t really mean much, I suppose, and they also taste awfull..
Now every morning, just before I take my daily pills, my mind & stomache go arRRrr!

Why I still take them? Well, I don‘t want to catch a cold ..

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Ode to Mosquitoes

Do I really mean mosquitoes?
As in ...bzzzzzztt bzzzzzzttt.. *sting* *ouch*..  ?
And do I really mean ode as in praise?
Not death or curse, or anything else that inflicts them in any way?

Don't get me wrong, all my life there has been this hate-hate relationship between us. And we've had some heavy battles in this war, like the Great Battle of Summer 2007.
It was epic!

I just can't say they're nasty little buggers anymore. I have to let go the hate. And this is why.

Only recently did my son ask me, why there were mosquitoes. I gave him the standard religious reply
'Allah (SWT) created everything with His Wisdom, and we should respect every animal... nature..ecosystem..good muslims..etc etc.'
But the truth was that I could NOT figure out WHY there were mosquitoes.
I couldn't tell my son that I've been wondering that for ages myself, why are there mosquitoes?!?!
I couldn't tell my son what I deeply wished for the mosquitoes .. a kid shouldn't hear that kind of language.

So what changed in these last few weeks, that made me hate them less.
That made me even appreciate them.
That made me thank Allah(SWT) for his Mercy. And perhaps even the gift of mosquitoes.
..Alright.. not gift,.

This is what happened. I was too tired to hear the alarm buzz, while it was time for Fadjr (morning prayer). The mosquitoes in my room came to aid and buzzed instead, along with some itchy stings to make sure I'd wake up.
And like this,.. the Fadjr salah was saved and I understood their purpose.
It's quite beautiful, really. Thank you mosquitoes. To you this ode.

..No need for 8 mosquitoes in the room tho ..

Countdown to Ramadan 1432

R minus 7
House cleaned inside out.
Well, at least most of it.
Ramadan, you are most welcome!

R minus 6
Deactivated social networks.
Want to get my head clear, and not waste time on checking & sharing status updates.
And who knows, after Ramadan I might still keep it deactivated.

R minus 5
There has been a lot of rain past few days. Combined with the warm weather it can only result in one thing:
Mosquito attaque
Also pointing out that I do not have much patience and give in quickly to my impulses.
           ~*must scratch*~
Good thing I can practice again soon.

R minus 4
Considering to start detoxing caffeïne.
Bought a coffee-to-go anyway, and had it spilled on the floor and partly on my shoe.

R minus 3
Last Jumma before Ramadan already!!
Haven‘t cleared my deadlines yet.
Where is my pre-Ramadan-Imaan-Energy-Boost?

R minus 2
Thinking about what food would be best, with thanks to ‘eco muslim‘ (ecojihad.blogspot.com) and making a list.
Setting the personal goals, getting mentally prepared for the challenges. A little anxious about what I‘ll see from my Nafs.

R minus 1
Last minute groceries.
Check, check, double-check.
Have the feeling that I haven‘t fasted for ages!!! Wonder what it feel like and what impacts it shall have: physically, mentally and spiritually..
Preparing some food for Suhur.
Drinking a glass of Ayran (Turkish yoghurtdrink) and a glass of water before going to bed.

Ramadan Mubarak!

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To have love and lost .. and love even more.

First the happiness that fills you up, when you see the ‘plus‘-sign on the predictor, when wanting a baby. The thoughts of how the near future may look like. The wondering of the sexe, and what names might suit him or her.

Then the worrying and the ‘what ifs‘. Without a confirmation you can‘t be sure. And the long wait until the docter‘s appointment.

Meanwhile a backache here and there, and very suspiscious, the lack of morning sickness. Memories uncover and similarities are found with that first pregnancy. The one that turned to be a sad story, because of the unexpected turnout of a miscarriage.

And so it was again. The same event, but a different exprience. This time I was not only prepared, I had already come in peace with the former miscarriage. Also I wasn‘t childless anymore.

Still, to be able to rationalise doesn‘t mean you can‘t be sad.

Then there was the hospitalisation. I didn‘t like this bit the last time, so I wasn‘t looking forward to this. But it all went better then expected. I wasn‘t feeling sick of the narcotics and I wasn‘t bleeding, nor having cramps. After an hour I was already being released.

Going home and looking forward to seeing my happy and healthy kids. Appreciating more what I have, and if possible, loving them even more.

Rights and wrongs

My rights are taken
My freedom is gone

violated
isolated

Being oppressed
What have I done

No choice anymore
Mischievous and unjust

Stop pretending
That you‘re rescuing

I won‘t take off my hijab

For nothing,.. and for everything

Not for the government.
Not for the opposition.
Not for the province.
Not for the senate.
Not for the country.
Not for the system.

Not for democracy.
Not for freedom.
Not for being heard.
Not for the hopes of better times.
Not for good.
Not for evil.
Not for money.
Not for my children.
Not for my parents.
Not for me.

I'm not taking for granted what I have.
I'm not going to let it go to waste.

For the voiceless.
For the oppressed.
For the fallen.

vote.

Upcoming 11, past 30

I wish I could say that the first of january is just another day, not different from any other. Alas, I find myself looking back on the events of past year.. and the years before.

I'm now not far off turning 30, wich basically means getting OLD.
I remember not being able to imagine my self as a 25-yr old, but now 2006 seems like ancient history. Have I realy gone old without noticing? Blaming the 'little things' like dry skin, hair loss and backaches on having children..

I think I have not. I think, actally, that I'm not old at all, really I don't even look old (if I may say myself). Yes, tired and sleepless, but that might pass upcoming year.

I also decided early this year that 2011 will be a sports year. I'm gonna get my sneekers on and walk as much as I can, maybe even run from time to time. Also planning on finally getting that burkini!!

And if nothing of the sort happens, no worries, being a mom is like a sport as well.

Now the things I'm not planning to do, or planning to not-do (anymore):
Not yet going back to work. No trips to far away. No more zoo trips, well .. not as often as in 2011.
What else not? No more sulking, no more sarcasm - difficult -, no more .. some of the other vices I have. If you see any, please notify ..

Fact remains, that eventhough I feel fit and extremely optimistic, I'd still be turning 30. Which basically means OLD. And comes with slower metabolism, aches all over, wrinkles, fails where I used to succeed, and a few drops in my IQ. Hihi, think that has already begun. I have to be a bit realistic, and act more like my age.

I'm sure it'll be okay, Insha'Allah, let's just see what happens and how it turns out to be. And enjoy along the way.